Reflections of 2020

Last week my leadership team went on an advance to Schulenburg, TX. (It’s what most people would call a retreat, but at Booster we believe you retreat backward, you advance forward). It was time to reflect on the past year, understand more of the business side of why we serve the way we do.

Our General Manager gave of some homework, “Write a one page reflection of the past year. It has to be one page, but other than that, you can get as creative as you want. This will be the last time we “go there” as far as reflecting on the past year, what we felt, what we experienced, etc. Try to make it as personal as possible. We will read them together on Tuesday night.” We sat around a fire and each read our paper out loud- there were tears, laughs, and just an understanding of where everyone was. I decided to write a letter to 2020 and wanted to share it.

As we just passed the one-year anniversary of the day America shut down, I’d encourage you to reflect on any emotions you have been sitting in. Write them down, share with your family, your community group if you feel inclined, and let the healing begin if you haven’t yet.

Dear 2020,

I don’t know what to say to you that hasn’t already been said.. how do I put into words what you’ve taken away from me in just a year? And at the same time, what you’ve graciously given to me in return?

On March 12 I received an alert that Spring Branch ISD was shutting down in advance of Spring Break. I was actually the one to inform our kids’ school of the announcement. Shortly after, the message was relayed to all parents: “School will be closed Friday, March 13.” And then it was as if the dominos started to fall against each other. The school made the decision to remain closed for two weeks. Tuesday, March 17th I was trying to work from a coffee shop not serving anything but drip coffee and the employee felt so bad for me, he made me my usual “on the house”. Only four days into the pandemic… and I was already spiraling in anxiety. 

The next 3 months were a roller coaster of emotions. My husband helped by rotating days with me to watch the kids so we could both try to get meaningful work done. He runs an investment firm, and the days were stressful for him as well. I tried to cherish and take note of interactions between my kids I would have never witnessed, but I felt guilt at somehow not doing enough to save the jobs of my colleagues – as if I alone could have made a difference. We celebrated Cale and Sawyer’s birthdays while still witnessing the sorrow of the world around us. Cases continued to rise, more schools canceled their programs, and Cale’s dad couldn’t take the solitude anymore and had a drug relapse around Sawyer’s birthday.

Then July hit. Booster United was a reminder of why we work so hard. I’ve always loved the reminder and stories that prove that the work we do matters. I was encouraged, motivated, and ready to keep fighting for my team and our schools. But then the floor crumbled beneath me. I was one of the hundreds of Booster family members to be furloughed. As a classic achiever, I struggled with feeling not good enough. That I had somehow failed or performed poorly at my job despite record sales. When my sales leader friends called to check in on me, it was evident I wasn’t a part of the same team anymore and I slowly became more and more distant from the company that feels like family. It felt like losing a part of myself.

Even now, reading this, it is not lost on me that I am the only member of our leadership team who wasn’t here in the Fall. It’s been so isolating and, while I’m so thrilled to be back, it’s been a battle. So I’m trying to stay in my lane, keep my head down and do the best I can.

As 2020 progressed, I would have more battles to deal with:

-       Fermina passing away from COVID was a shock for our family. Her care of Cale as a child and our babies, and well as her help in making my house a home was a very real loss. Even now, our house is missing her when her daughter comes over. When Cale told the news to Sawyer she wept in his arms. It was her first experience with the death of a loved one.

-       Although I said goodbye to my Aunt Mary years ago due to Alzheimer’s, her passing created drama and heartache with the family that was challenging to navigate.

November finally arrived as something I was looking forward to… a girl’s trip to Disney, my best friend’s birthday, Loch’s birthday, and my own birthday!

-       Although I did love my time with Sawyer at Disney, the rest of the trip was a total bust and I lost a friend of seven years in the process. The same friend whose birthday I was looking forward to celebrating. It was cruel and I am still dealing with triggers from that loss.

-       Thanksgiving morning, I realized my sweet Sadie was in her final days. She had been my faithful companion for 14 years. And in moments of sadness throughout 2020, she was truly man’s best friend. Making the decision to put her down was the kindest thing I could do for her and I’m so proud I was able to be strong enough for her to not go alone. I’m not sure if I believe pets go to Heaven, but if they do, she’s there.

And then December. I love Christmas so much! But this year was so hard. Cale’s dad suffered a minor stroke before a more severe one in February. He ended up in the hospital unable to speak, swallow, or use the right side of his body. Unfortunately, due to all the prior drug use, Cale’s dad has nothing – no job, no insurance, no Medicaid, and consequently no money. The burden fell predominately to Cale and his brother to figure out how to get care for their dad and sort out his affairs, while still making time for their own families. Explaining this to our children while still trying to honor Cale’s dad has been its own hurdle. The excitement I typically feel for the holidays just wasn’t there. Cale had to decorate the house for me. And I felt guilty. Guilty because Jesus alone should be the reason to celebrate. When the whole world feels like it’s crumbling, resting in Jesus is right where I want to be. Fortunately, we were able to get away as a family of four for the holidays, and it was just what I needed. We cherished the few days we had to escape the drama and enjoy each other’s company.

Finally, the New Year arrived with all of its promises. 2021 was supposed to be better. Unfortunately, it hasn’t delivered… yet.

But God. My word for this year is HOPEFUL. To be certain… I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been hard to hold onto hope. It has. And yet, I’m resting in the knowledge that God has allowed all the events of this past year and even this current day to happen. None of this is a surprise to Him. Even if we go through storms, and we all have, God is on the throne and He wins. This past year, you fought hard to break me. I’ve felt like a Navy Seal during Hell Week, and there have been a few times I thought about ringing the bell to quit. But I didn’t. It hasn’t won. Because if there’s one thing 2020 has taught me it’s that everything we have can be taken away. So perhaps the most important question to answer is: Who am I when I have nothing left?

Thanks be to God who has already claimed victory for me. I know who I am and who’s I am. And if 2020 is simply the test I needed to know that I know that, then I am most grateful. Because like Tara Leigh Coble says, “He’s where the JOY is.”